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Kombucha [13 Mar 2006|11:31am]
[ mood | tired ]

So, I've tried this stuff before. It's super weird. It's an organic raw tea that's fermented. This is what the label says...

KOMBUCHA is a handmade Chinese tea that is delicately cultured for 30 days. During this time, essential nutrients form like: Active Enzymes, Viable Probiotics, Amino Acids, Antioxidants, and Polyphenols. All of these combine to create an elixir that immediately works with the body to restore balance and vitality.

It says it supports digestion, metabolism, immune system, appetite control, weight control, liver function, body alkalinity, anti-aging, cell integrity, healthy skin and hair.

This time I bought citrus flavor and ginger flavor... they had the least amount of calories. In the past when I've bought it and tried it it tasted kind of like beer... I think it's just because of the fermentation process.

I'm just wondering if it will help me get healthier and especially with the weight loss aspect of it. Ugh, I'm craving salty. Damn cravings... get me every time. I must overcome them.

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[06 Dec 2005|05:34pm]
Haven't consumed a single calorie today :D Looking online, through walking and just living, etc, I should be losing at least a pound today. YAY! It seems like it should be more but oh well. I still have to go to work from 8-12 tonight which will burn more cals... I tried to factor that in, and it says that I should burn 3,572 today. I should be down to around 107 by tomorrow morning :D I'm excited. I just have to continue to get out of eating... it's hard with my mom always breathing down my neck. All the old excuses don't really work anymore. Oh well. Hope you all are doing great! Byee lovelies!
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[03 Dec 2005|11:56am]
[ mood | hungover ]

Well, I had the great idea of drinking last night and then trying to trip on DXM so now I feel like total shit. I feel like I'm going to fall over- and I have to work tonight. Wow, I'm a smart one. Anyway, yesterday I was diagnosed with ADHD which is upsetting and good at the same time. It's upsetting just cause I wish I had known this earlier- it would have helped a lot with the depression if I had known why I was doing so badly in school even when I was trying harder than everyone else. Oh well. At least I'll be getting some meds and coaching for it so I can finally go back to school.

Another thing... everyone now is saying I look so much better. I don't give a fuck (excuse me). I felt better at 90. 115 sucks major major ass. I've stopped caring what everyone else wants for me. It is my life, after all.

Blah, I just feel like shit. Hope all you lovelies are doin better and feeling better than I am.

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[01 Dec 2005|01:51am]
new month, new me. hoping for a better december... it's all in my hands.
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[28 Nov 2005|03:49pm]
i dunno if this is allowed but... anyone in the SF bay area know of a good source for some coke? i've asked around everywhere i can think of and no one can find me any. i had my sources up in WA but now i feel lost.
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Tired [16 Nov 2005|07:11am]
[ mood | tired ]

The blue scale in my bathroom says 114 this morning. Bad day. Shower, acne cream, my mask, hair, clothes. Pill bottle. Two big capsules, two herbal, two round small green. Appetite suppressant, carbohydrate control, and thyroid support. All washed down with half a bottle of Superfood from Odwalla. 140 units of fat. Another 140 to be consumed later. And that's all. Tired. The codine high from the night before is still somewhat present. Tired. Bad day.

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[07 Oct 2005|03:24am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

hahaha, i think i need to go to sleep... but i just keep writing. i dunno, it's just like i'm in this writing mood where all i want to do is type out my brain. so anyway... me and my boyfriend had a little incident the other night when i got a little too drunk off 4 shots of vodka and told him i cheated on him. wow, i'm a genius. so... since then things have been weird with him i don't even know what to tell him the majority of the time because i don't know what i'm thinking myself. like, he asks me what i'm thinking aobut and i think about it and come up with nothing... like my mind is a blank. it's pretty disturbing actually. i don't like to think that there is nothing going on inside my head when i feel that there should be. then, at other times there is far too much going through my head and i can't concentrate when i need to. it's like my brain is working against me... when i need to be thinking of shit and spilling out my feelings to my boyfriend, i can't... it won't allow me to or something. then, when i need to concentrate on work or dealing with other issues my brain wont turn off. i'll be at work, needing to listen to what i'm being told to do (kind of hard to even hear with the loud music... couldn't hear half of what brian was saying to me today and we were talking for like 2 hours- he probably thinks i'm a lunatic) and my mind will be racing and wandering. thanks wellbutrin for doing shit for the ADHD. wait, i already said something like that like 3 hours ago. why the hell am i still up. i think i need to stop writing now. next time i get really intense emotions though... this is where i'm coming first. that's when my really good writing comes out- or so i've been told. good night moon, good night, good night...

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[07 Oct 2005|03:14am]
[ mood | stressed ]

this is my application to anorexicbones... i thought i'd just save it incase i need it for something else or if anyone is interested...

User Name: justlettuce
Age: 20
Location: Cali
BMI: 17.3
Height: 5'4"
CW: 101
HW: 130
LW: 90
STGW: 94
LTGW: 80-85
E.D. type: ed-nos with anoretic tendencies
Have you been diagnosed/do you self-diagnose? diagnosed march of this year
Have you ever been treated for youreating disorder? no
What do you get out of your eating disorder? control is the main thing, and the only sense of accomplishment i feel that i'm able to have/ give myself
What are some contributing factors to your eating disorder that you know of? lack of control in my life, controlling mother, letting people walk all over me, depression
How long have you had your ED? ed-nos for almost as long as i can remember, definately in middle school and high school... it's a bit blurry whether it was before that or not too.
How did the following effect your eating disorder;
-The media; i think in the beginning this effected my ed way more than it does now. i remember looking in the magazines and seeing all the skinny models and striving to be like them. now, they really don't do much for me
-Your peers; i have always been jealous of my friends and those around me. i constantly find people who are thinner than i am and want to get to that point and then i do and find another thinner person... it's almost like i use others as a chart and goal monitor or something.
-Your parents and other family members; what i remember most in my high school days was the fact that my sister had still not gone through puberty and was VERY skinny- like that awkward skinny that girls are when they're like 9. and we went on vacation and when we got the pictures back i cried because i looked like a monster beside her. now, she's much heavier than i am and i see that as an accomplishment. my mom has made my depression deeper in many ways that are confusing to me and that deep depression has caused a lot of my eating disorder.
-Sports/dancing or other similar activities; i have always been in sports. the main thing i remember from them is wanting to look like the thinnest person on the team. i remember being the second lightest person in my crew boat and almost cried because i hated myself for not being the lightest.
-Other influences; i think just a general feeling of self doubt and being very self critical has contributed a lot to why i have my eating disorder. i had pretty bad acne when i was younger and i just thought to myself that if i can at least be thin, it won't matter if i'm ugly.
What (if any) risk factors did you have prior to the development of your eating disorder? clinical depression... it runs in my family- little did i know i had it and had been suffering from it for a really long time (like 10 years or so) and then all at once it felt like my world was crashing down... that was the peak of the depression where i almost killed myself ODing on narcotic painkillers
At what age did your unhealthy relationship with food begin? i don't even remember. i always had some sort of satisfaction eating less than everyone around me. it seems like i've had a problem with food my whole life. i was never a picky eater, i just didn't eat a lot. in 6th grade, i had my "fat year" and that's also when the acne got really bad. and, of course, that's just an awkward time. i know definately by this time my relationship with food was absolute hate.
How do you feel your eating disorder is currently effecting your life? honestly, i feel stronger. i feel more beautiful and outgoing than i ever have. when i was at my lightest, i was also at the deepest point of my depression but at the same time i was having the time of my life because for once i felt somewhat pretty. i get more attention- something i never really had all that much.
In your opinion, is anorexia a disease or a lifestyle choice? definately a disease... i mean, i think most people start out with a diet (i'm pretty sure that's what happened to me around the time of 6th grade) and then it just develops from there into a full blown disorder. it doesn't have to happen quickly; it didn't for me at all. but it's like... it's hard wired into your brain... you don't really THINK like "oh, i can't eat this today" or whatever... it's more like you automatically just don't. and when you do, when you have those binges, it throws you totally off and you're like "where the fuck did that come from" and you don't feel like yourself so to feel more normalized you throw it all up. i'm not making sense...
What is your favourite bone? i'd have to say spine and the ribs you can see through your back. for some reason i have this strange fascination with the way the back side of me looks. i guess it's just cause i can't see it? i don't know. i also love the pelvic bones... like right above the butt.
Post a picture of what your approximate ideal look is: umm, i don't know how to do this really... here's a pic link though: http://www.onefatday.com/images/FitFun/Anorexic%20Back.jpg haha, that's me with the back again... i think i'd like to be a little thinner than that, but i just love that pic.
List the last three books you read: my friend leonard by james frey (i highly recommend this and his first book, a million little pieces), wasted by marya hornbacher (sp??), chihuahua's for dummies (hehe, i just got a puppy :)
What are you hoping to get out of this community? honestly, i just like to get feedback and know that there are other people out there that are like me and that are going through the same things i'm going through. it helps to know i'm not alone because i feel that way the majority of the time. i don't even make sense to my self ever.
Why you should be accepted: i'm not good at praising myself and i feel like that's what this is asking me to do but... i guess i should be accepted because i am a really good listener and am more than willing to talk to other people in the community through aim or (if i get to know you very well) on the phone. i like to be there for the people who are there for me.
How did you hear about this community? i think i did a search?
Picture/s of yourself (optional but preferred): i'll take some when i get back down to 95ish, i'm sorry, too self concious right now :\
How do you feel about "pro-ana",or anorexic websites in general -and why do you feel this way? i feel that they are helpful for those who actually suffer from the disease... for those who don't and are looking to "become anoretic"... no. it's just stupid. i hate that there are so many people out there that WANT to get a disease. like, i don't want to get cancer, right? wow, rambling... but anyway, i find the information on "pro-ana" websites to be good for those who suffer but bad for those who want a quick way to lose that 10 lbs or so for the dance so they're going to *become ana* (OMG YAY!!!) for a month. please, get a life. did any of that make sense?
Anything else you would like to add: i love that there is a bones community. i hate that people idolize the bodies of mary kate and lindsay lohan. it's just... i don't know... i find it repulsing

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[07 Oct 2005|12:43am]
[ mood | discontent ]

so... i was doing really well for about 2 weeks... then... i don't know what happened. i've started eating more these past few days... not more than like 600 cals/day but still, it's not good. i'm going to the psychiatrist on monday to get checked up with the wellbutrin... he said it was supposed to help ADHD but it's done shit for me in that area. i'm hoping to get adderall cause i heard that that is better than ritalin and it cuts hunger a LOT. it's not even that i get hungry all that often... i just crave food. and after i started the wellbutrin, those 2 weeks, i had no appetite or cravings. it was awesome. so now i'm back down to 101 which is pretty good. still not perfect but getting there. i still look in the mirror and see huge blobs of fat oozing off of me (omg, writing that sentence made me almost puke) and i really need to get rid of those. and fast. it's so not cool to look that hideously fat and obese and whale- like... i even took an online test that said what kind of animal you were in a past life- yep, it said i was a whale... go figure. i just decided that i use too many elipses. i don't know why, it just works for my train of thought i guess. working at hollister is awesome. i just get to sit around and listen to music all day. i mean, don't get me wrong... it's kinda hard work folding shit all day but man... so much better than the last job and waaay more chill. i still love kate moss even after the coke incident. i guess i wasn't that thrown off by it cause i've been there and gone through that shit too. maybe since i've had the experience, to hear that other people get caught up in that stuff doesn't really phase me too much. i've thought a lot about family the past week or so and have come to the realization that i have a major ongoing struggle with trying to figure out what i want and what my family wants for me and how i'm supposed to negotiate in my head what is really best for me. i guess, yes, at times i act insanely irrational and nothing that comes out of my mouth or shuffles around in my head makes any sense, not even to me... that's actually how it's been for the last week or so... but, i mean... i can do what i want with my life right? why am i constantly trying to please other people. i've done it my whole life and for once i want to concentrate on me. just me. i know that may sound selfish but fuck if i care anymore. every time i think about how i've let people walk all over my my whole life this ball of anger sits right behind my lungs and i just want to scream and have it pop out and let me do my own thing. i need to change this ongoing cycle of putting everyone before me and not caring what happens to me in the process. i mean, yes, i want to please my family and have them be proud of me... but while doing that can't i also be my own person, not the person they want me to be? and i want to please my boyfriend more than anything especially because of all the shit i've put him through in the past few days... but a relationship is based on honesty and how can that work when i'm not even honest to myself and don't even know who i am? it's like this eating disorder is slowly growing more and more prominent in my life because i have no outlet for control because i've been controlled by those around me for so long. and that lack of control terrifies me. it's like i don't even know how to live my own life and have just been following the guidelines set by those around me. well fuck those guidelines. let me grab on to some control. let me feel like i have the power to change my life in some way. let me starve myself and lie to you about what i've eaten. because it's really all i have. the control to change my weight if only i have the will power... and i have that will power god damn it. the others just can't see... what i'm doing is not selfish, it's just a way to gain a little bit of power in my own life... something that they cannot control and therefore, part of me is not being walked all over. i'm too delicate to be walked all over.... if they do now, my bones will break.

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[28 Sep 2005|03:01pm]
[ mood | depressed and numb ]

so i just posted a lot of this shit in some communities but i haven't updated my journal for a while so i thought i'd do that too. so, i haven't ate in 2 days except 3 shots of vodka (at most) which is like 210 cals. that was all today though. because my ex who i was in love with has moved on and has a gf now. so now i'm drunk at 3 in the afternoon. great. but i did weigh myself this morning and was 105. still disgusting as fuck but at least it's somewhat of an improvement. i'm still 10 lbs more than i was when i came home from school last semester but i hope to lose that in the next few days. i have to. that's all. i'm just depressed. the more intense post is in my myspace under my blogs (titled "depression") at www.myspace.com/poogieluf. bye.

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so... [26 Aug 2005|11:19am]
[ mood | crazy ]

I've just decided that in order to fix the huge mistake that was yesterday's binge, I am going to have to not eat for at least a week. I would have thought that the tons of laxitives I stuffed down my throat would have gotten rid of at least a portion of that binge but no. For some reason they did jack shit. Yes, I had one bathrrom trip but did I expect more? To be sitting on the toilet all day? Yes. Somehow it just didn't work that way and now I feel like a whale. A beached whale at that... beached and obese. So now I stop eating. Take caffine pills... well really Xenedrine EFX but really, what's the effin difference, right? Drink diet Pepsi even though I'm really more of a diet Coke fan because the Pepsi has less sodium. Take Diurex the diuretic. basically drain my body of any energy source besides fat. Cause then the fat will be eaten off my body and I will be beautiful. Feeling the energy hit my body from the pills keeps me going. And now I'm looking to the heavier stuff to keep me from eating. Fuck. I love the shaky feeling- makes me feel like my little puppy. Ok, now the little beautiful blue pills are workin their magic. And oh how I love it despite the pain. Wow, I feel insane. I prolly sound insane too. Ok, an update will happen monday.

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Hmmmmmmm [24 Jul 2005|02:21am]
[ mood | nervous ]

So I totally haven't updated for a super long time. I had to go into the hospital yesterday to get some tests done to see what was wrong with me... being sick for 2 weeks with a super high temperature is never fun. They weighed me and I was 107. I guess that's ok. It's no 98 but at least it's not like 110. I absolutely hate that number. Not a lot has been going on with me. I just wish I could stop eating. I was doing so well today until my sister suggested going to the market and getting tapioca drinks and food. Sigh. At least I didn't eat that much. I really need to get back to work so I can have enough money for my puppy. Sometimes life really really sucks. And nothing goes right. Hell, I am freaking out that I have a deadly disease. WTF is that about. Hopefully it's nothing. We'll see. Gotta go for now. Boring post.

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Lost [06 Jul 2005|01:53am]
[ mood | depressed and LARDY AS FUCK ]

I've strayed so far away from where I was just over a month ago. And that change has come in the form of like 12 extra pounds of fucking lardy disgusting fat. I'm HUGE. I never thought I'd let myself get to this point. I dont know what happened. It makes me want to cry and die.

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Just an update... [07 Jun 2005|07:43pm]
[ mood | cold, sick, but happy :) ]

So the 10 day fast/restriction didn't work. I wasn't motivated enough. I dunno why. But, I'm 24 hours into a fast and am on my 3rd liter of water and have taken 10 pills today. I've lost 4 lbs already. I need to get down to 98 again soon. Damn it being over 100- I hate 102 so much. I need to get to 98. Work starts tomorrow and on my lunch break I'm gonna do some shopping instead of eating... it'll be tons of fun, esp with my 20% employee discount. Ok, that's it. I will get down to 98... gonna go to the gym tomorrow morning to work out/ weigh myself. Nighty night!

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OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH KAY! [01 Jun 2005|11:01am]
[ mood | excited and shaky ]

So today is day one of my 10 day restriction/fast. Today I don't eat anything. Tomorrow I get to have Starbucks. Then it switches every other day alternating nothing and Starbucks. I've been so horrible since I've been home and I'm such a fat cow. Hopefully by the 10th I'll be down to where I was before- UNDER 100. I'm going to be working out every day too, burning like 500 cals. Oh, and taking Xenadrine EFX for energy. YAY! Ok, gotta go.

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woohoo [26 May 2005|03:25pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

So I'm at hour 15 and a half of my fast and it's going strong. Just started feeling hungry and I LOVE IT!!! It's like the most amazing feeling ever and I missed it so much. I feel emptier and better about myself than I have in so long. See, this kind of thing happens where I get so happy from being empty but then I eat anyway and get so upset... it just doesn't make sense and I have to realize that it doesn't make sense at all. I have to do what makes me happy at all costs.

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uuuuuuuuugh [26 May 2005|12:29am]
[ mood | sick and fat ]

I just can't get started on this fast. I think tomorrow will only be vegetables and then from there it will be easier. I dunno what's wrong with me. I just got my navel pierced and thought that would be great motivation to look amazing but apparently not. I'm a huge fat ass. I really need to get down to 93 and I've never felt farther away from my goal than I do now. I was so fucking close... all the way down to 98 and then what happens? I come home and binge for 2 weeks straight and gain fucking 8 lbs. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I need to do this. I deserve to starve. I have to do this. There is no other way to get to be perfect and how I need to be. I love being empty and I miss the feeling like shit. I'm so sick of feeling fat and looking like I'm pregnant... I keep waiting for people to stop me on the street and be like "omg, when's the baby due??" Fuck 106 lbs... I fucking hate it. I can never be this fat again. My bmi is fucking 18.8 and that's totally unacceptable. I was down to fucking 17.4 and it was amazing. I need to get down to there and then even lower until I'm at the most 16.5. I feel not like myself anymore. That fucking hurts. It's like all the fat I've gained has covered up the real, strong, determined me and replaced me with a fat cow who can't stop eating no matter how much motivation she has. I'm so sick of it. It makes me want to die.

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[20 May 2005|11:29pm]
[ mood | depressed and FAT-ASS-ISH ]

OMFG. I am such a huge fat ass. I just want to die. I can't believe the amount of shitty shit fucking shit I've eaten since I've gotten home. I'm a fat pig whale cow elephant hippo. I'm just huge. I need to starve myself until I can't even stand. I hate myself so much right now. I need some help. Lots and lots of help. Where has my control gone. It left me.

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Wow [17 May 2005|01:21pm]
[ mood | high and happy ]

So I'm just sitting here flipping through channels on the TV and today is the first day of my 5 day fast. I was just realizing how big of a high it gives me to not eat. About 10 minutes ago I was perusing the kitchen looking for something to eat and then I was like NO, WTF ARE YOU DOING ELLE??!?!! So, I grabbed a diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper (yum) and sat down infront of the tv and just felt this incredible high. I began to think about the next few days and the high intensified. Wow. That's all I have to say- WOW. I have never felt like this from doing any other thing in my whole life. Fasting makes me feel so accomplished. I can almost feel the fat cells shrinking, making me thinner and more beautiful. Oh, and I stole a 5th of vodka from my parents yesterday... I think that will be the first thing I "eat" once I'm off my fast. Cause when I break my fast it's gonna be my bday dinner so I think I'll just take a shot of vodka... I'm gonna get so fucked up off of just that one shot it's gonna be great. LOL. Sunday is my bday and I think I have to have another talk with my parents about the whole puppy thing cause I have to get this deposit in really soon if I want the pick of the litter. I'm so excited. Ok, I've got to go grocery shopping now (I'm purposefully making a dinner I can't eat- it has cheese in it) and maybe I'll have a cigarette to intensify my high even further and cut my cravings for food even further!!! Woohoo! Ok, byee lovelies, I hope you are all doing well. MUAH!

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Yep [02 May 2005|11:51am]
[ mood | weak and exhausted ]

So I've been restricting/fasting for the last 4 days and I'm just this morning starting to feel really really weak. I kind of like it a lot. I'm also really really exhausted all the time and just want to sleep. I dont have enough energy to sit through class but that's ok cause it's not really necessary for me to go to it. I've been drinking rediculout amounts of diet coke lately and have started to drink sugarfree redbull as well. The redbull has 10 cals but its ok cause that's the only thing with cals in it that I have. Last night I went over to my friend's house and he wanted to make me kettle corn (which I love) so he made some up but it turned out to be normal popcorn and i had a kernle of it and realized it was regular (lowfat though) and did my best to spit it out into a kleenex I was holding. YAY. So, I got out of eating that. Wow, I'm just so tired... typing is getting hard. I think I'll go... I get to get weighed today at the doctors... I'll post it if I like what I see.

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