this is my application to anorexicbones... i thought i'd just save it incase i need it for something else or if anyone is interested...
User Name: justlettuce
E.D. type: ed-nos with anoretic tendencies
Have you been diagnosed/do you self-diagnose? diagnosed march of this year
Have you ever been treated for youreating disorder? no
What do you get out of your eating disorder? control is the main thing, and the only sense of accomplishment i feel that i'm able to have/ give myself
What are some contributing factors to your eating disorder that you know of? lack of control in my life, controlling mother, letting people walk all over me, depression
How long have you had your ED? ed-nos for almost as long as i can remember, definately in middle school and high school... it's a bit blurry whether it was before that or not too.
How did the following effect your eating disorder;
-The media; i think in the beginning this effected my ed way more than it does now. i remember looking in the magazines and seeing all the skinny models and striving to be like them. now, they really don't do much for me
-Your peers; i have always been jealous of my friends and those around me. i constantly find people who are thinner than i am and want to get to that point and then i do and find another thinner person... it's almost like i use others as a chart and goal monitor or something.
-Your parents and other family members; what i remember most in my high school days was the fact that my sister had still not gone through puberty and was VERY skinny- like that awkward skinny that girls are when they're like 9. and we went on vacation and when we got the pictures back i cried because i looked like a monster beside her. now, she's much heavier than i am and i see that as an accomplishment. my mom has made my depression deeper in many ways that are confusing to me and that deep depression has caused a lot of my eating disorder.
-Sports/dancing or other similar activities; i have always been in sports. the main thing i remember from them is wanting to look like the thinnest person on the team. i remember being the second lightest person in my crew boat and almost cried because i hated myself for not being the lightest.
-Other influences; i think just a general feeling of self doubt and being very self critical has contributed a lot to why i have my eating disorder. i had pretty bad acne when i was younger and i just thought to myself that if i can at least be thin, it won't matter if i'm ugly.
What (if any) risk factors did you have prior to the development of your eating disorder? clinical depression... it runs in my family- little did i know i had it and had been suffering from it for a really long time (like 10 years or so) and then all at once it felt like my world was crashing down... that was the peak of the depression where i almost killed myself ODing on narcotic painkillers
At what age did your unhealthy relationship with food begin? i don't even remember. i always had some sort of satisfaction eating less than everyone around me. it seems like i've had a problem with food my whole life. i was never a picky eater, i just didn't eat a lot. in 6th grade, i had my "fat year" and that's also when the acne got really bad. and, of course, that's just an awkward time. i know definately by this time my relationship with food was absolute hate.
How do you feel your eating disorder is currently effecting your life? honestly, i feel stronger. i feel more beautiful and outgoing than i ever have. when i was at my lightest, i was also at the deepest point of my depression but at the same time i was having the time of my life because for once i felt somewhat pretty. i get more attention- something i never really had all that much.
In your opinion, is anorexia a disease or a lifestyle choice? definately a disease... i mean, i think most people start out with a diet (i'm pretty sure that's what happened to me around the time of 6th grade) and then it just develops from there into a full blown disorder. it doesn't have to happen quickly; it didn't for me at all. but it's like... it's hard wired into your brain... you don't really THINK like "oh, i can't eat this today" or whatever... it's more like you automatically just don't. and when you do, when you have those binges, it throws you totally off and you're like "where the fuck did that come from" and you don't feel like yourself so to feel more normalized you throw it all up. i'm not making sense...
What is your favourite bone? i'd have to say spine and the ribs you can see through your back. for some reason i have this strange fascination with the way the back side of me looks. i guess it's just cause i can't see it? i don't know. i also love the pelvic bones... like right above the butt.
Post a picture of what your approximate ideal look is: umm, i don't know how to do this really... here's a pic link though: http://www.onefatday.com/images/FitFun/Anorexic%20Back.jpg haha, that's me with the back again... i think i'd like to be a little thinner than that, but i just love that pic.
List the last three books you read: my friend leonard by james frey (i highly recommend this and his first book, a million little pieces), wasted by marya hornbacher (sp??), chihuahua's for dummies (hehe, i just got a puppy :)
What are you hoping to get out of this community? honestly, i just like to get feedback and know that there are other people out there that are like me and that are going through the same things i'm going through. it helps to know i'm not alone because i feel that way the majority of the time. i don't even make sense to my self ever.
Why you should be accepted: i'm not good at praising myself and i feel like that's what this is asking me to do but... i guess i should be accepted because i am a really good listener and am more than willing to talk to other people in the community through aim or (if i get to know you very well) on the phone. i like to be there for the people who are there for me.
How did you hear about this community? i think i did a search?
Picture/s of yourself (optional but preferred): i'll take some when i get back down to 95ish, i'm sorry, too self concious right now :\
How do you feel about "pro-ana",or anorexic websites in general -and why do you feel this way? i feel that they are helpful for those who actually suffer from the disease... for those who don't and are looking to "become anoretic"... no. it's just stupid. i hate that there are so many people out there that WANT to get a disease. like, i don't want to get cancer, right? wow, rambling... but anyway, i find the information on "pro-ana" websites to be good for those who suffer but bad for those who want a quick way to lose that 10 lbs or so for the dance so they're going to *become ana* (OMG YAY!!!) for a month. please, get a life. did any of that make sense?
Anything else you would like to add: i love that there is a bones community. i hate that people idolize the bodies of mary kate and lindsay lohan. it's just... i don't know... i find it repulsing